You may not know me and I may not know you. Well, at least who you are now. I was young and naive, I was also in love with you at one point or at least with the way you made me feel sometimes. But this is not about us. It is about a little girl named Melody-Rose. She is more beautiful than any flower I have ever laid your eyes on (well let’s just say to me she is) There is something special about this girl and it may not matter to you but it matters to me.
Before you came along, I had no purpose. I lost all hope in a proper future and deep down for some reason I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant because I had something to look forward to, I was only 16 and yes I was scared but I had nothing. No ambition for anything, I dropped out of high school and it was all because I wanted to grow up and be a part of the real world. But ever since I fell pregnant I got my shit together and took my ashamed ass back to school, for the flower that was blooming inside of me.
When she was halfway through the process of blooming inside of me. You had to leave me and her for the first time because of your poor decisions earlier in your life. I was heartbroken because I was scared of being alone during my pregnancy. I had to experience the other half of my pregnancy alone. I did a lot. I became a qualified barista and had a few other qualifications thanks to the school I was attending and the headteachers there that helped me.
Around the end of my pregnancy, I was scared that I would not be able to connect with my baby or that I would struggle. So I had a place provided by my case manager as support to help me. My mum did not accept my pregnancy at the time, she was scared that this baby would kill me and I was a baby having a baby, I understood that my mother was upset about me having a baby at such a young age so I just hoped that she would come around when I had my baby.
Sounds of my little flowers heartbeat, the kicks through my stomach, the uncomfortable nights tossing and turning to get comfortable, walking turning into waddles, wearing maternity clothes, baby belly rubs, antenatal classes, and baby scans. I had to experience this all on my own and try to support myself. Let me just quickly note that I have had people help me along the way but it was you that I wanted next to me, supporting me. But I kept moving forward doing what I needed to do to get ahead with my future.
When I gave birth to my flower, I was in complete awe. Honestly, nothing and I mean NOTHING mattered but her. She was so beautiful and I was so in love with this beautiful creation I had only just met. Crazy right? It was the most insane and liberating feeling meeting my beautiful flower, although her face was scrunched up. I was in love with this child.
You came back into her life when she was discharged. I thought it was a miracle because we were not expecting you to come home until a month later. But, it was hard because I kept expecting you to love her the same way I did and be in complete awe of her but I just guessed that you were inside, we fought about how to look after and parent her because I had my own way before you came back. A few weeks later, I realized the most annoying thing that comes with parenting with someone who is only 50% there. Parties and drinking. I did not want to party, but you did? Always wanting to go out? And I could not comprehend why. I tried to party with you once. Biggest regret ever, the party was shit and so were you for letting me leave by myself for our flower. I was so young but so in love with my baby flower, she was only a month old and was enjoying her, even more than house parties in west Auckland. But hey, I let that slide right?
Your relationship with our flower was okay when you felt like it. Everyone saw you as doing your best with her, but behind closed doors, you were almost the worst with her and this was only in my eyes. I felt like I was a single mom even though I had you around to be a father to her. I’d wake up and get her ready for school, take her into daycare. Go to school get my shit done and do extracurricular. Come home and was so exhausted but still look after her and the house we had. Most nights I was completely knackered and just wanted a proper rest. All I did was for us to have a better future. I did see you try a bunch of times, but you’d slip up every time and I am a very forgiving person so I kept the faith and held it down. Paid the rent, paid the power, paid for the internet, paid for your phone bills. I made sure there was food in our cupboard.
This is where I insert the song B + H’S – Jhene Aiko
“You live in her home, eating all of her food, she be paying your bills, buying all of your clothes and she pay for your phone… “
Even after all that, I still had you lying to me. In my last year of school, I was in polyfest and trying to finish level 2 & 3 and being mum taking her with me. YES, I took my little flower with me to my practices for Stage challenge and Polyfest. It was so shit having a none existent partner. No show for my fiafia night cos you were busy at pokies spending the money that is supposed to feed our family. No show for my performances as you had better things to do than to support me. After all, I supported you when you needed but that was not enough. One thing I regret was buying him a watch for over 1K. Never again…
Eventually, I gave up. I lost my temper. I’d get pyscho, I LOST MYSELF. Everything in my life revolved around you, I couldn’t hang with anyone but you, even though you told me what you were doing, this made me get controlling and had given me so many insecurities. I knew you were lying but just couldn’t be fucked anymore. So I settled for god knows what reason? Maybe because I was so comfortable or just was so scared because of the words you’d say to me whilst intoxicated, mentally abusing me. The mind games we both played on one another. From one fight to another until finally I had to fight myself to let go of you and you did not give up to try and hold on to me. But it was best for both of us to split because We both had different agendas and to be honest it was quite a bipolar relationship, when things were good they were REALLY good. But when things were bad it was really bad. A toxic relationship that was not beneficial for our child.
When I let go the hardest thing of it all was realizing how important it was for you to be a part of her life. I tried to make sure she kept seeing you. But it was you who kept pulling away from her. Then came the one million excuses and promises to be a more present father. As you slowly stopped seeing her as often. Why is it that as a mother I had to ask or beg for him to see his child? I’d come over with her needing you to watch her so I could go to an event and you would just tell me in the pettiest way you’re busy even though I look after our girl 24/7 NO BREAKS. This officially made me that ‘Crazy Babymama’ I became that bitch, I got so over your promises to her.
I moved on with my life and accepted the part of you being a part-time dad. Cos it was out of my control what you did in your personal time. But then came the emotions of my baby flower becoming more inquisitive and wondering why dad is not around. Knowing your name and I wondered if she would remember your face. What also began was petty messages between the two of us. I was so angry that you didn’t pick up your side of parenting, I worked my ass off for my flower. So many people helping out to babysit or look after her, a lot of people put their hands up to help except you. This is where I needed the 2nd parent to help out. It was so damn hard being a single parent, but you know what? I did it! With amazing support, I did it.
Now let me tell you about the number of times I had to deal with her emotions, she was confused about where you were. Asked me about you. What was I supposed to tell her? For the sake of my daughter, I sugarcoated why you weren’t around. I always told you that she will always be yours and wouldn’t ever let her call anyone else dad. But one day I met someone, I met someone who fell in love with me and picked up the pieces of fatherhood where you left off. At first, he told her to call her by his name when she would accidentally call him dad as he didn’t want to interfere in that relationship of her biological father. Soon that faded, he didn’t mind it and she freely called him dad. He was there for her, he helped me support her. She had a father figure someone who taught her what it’s like to have a father.
As he came along, you stopped showing up for her, every time you were supposed to come and get her, she would wait for hours. After seeing the effect of Melody being upset when you wouldn’t show up I stopped telling her you were coming around. I couldn’t deal with telling her that you weren’t coming to see her. Slowly she stopped asking for you. Then I stopped trying to get a hold of you. Soon you got yourself into trouble with the law and ended up going away. Now I was mad, how could you be so irresponsible? How could you not think about changing your life for our child?
That was 2 years ago. It’s been 2 years without you in her life, she has a family and has so much love from her blended brothers and sisters and from my partner’s family. I couldn’t be more thankful! I have a blended family that genuinely cares about Melody-Rose. Now people may get mad and want me to keep the contact between you and her. But here’s my brutal truth, I wake up every morning to look after and support her, so does my partner. When she is sick I am there, when there is a cost… You guessed it! I am there. When she needs me. I’m there, I could make dumb decisions but I know I have her to think about. You could have been here with her and see her glow and grow, but you had a choice and you chose your fate and I can’t feel any sympathy for the choices you made.
So I am going to end it here. I am choosing to not have her in contact with you until she is old enough to speak for herself and ask me. Other than that, she is the happiest also the most dramatic girl who loves performing arts, princesses and unicorns. She used to have a speech impairment but now shes a confident talker. She has a big loving family that will always be there for her. I hope one day you can read this with a clear mind that one day you can change and become a part of her life. But that’s just something we will have to wait a long time for.
Your crazy babymama