BEFORE YOU START READING: This will contain content involving miscarriage and un-diagnosed depression. If this triggers you please stop reading! Another story I’m putting out to the public and please respect it as it is not an easy subject for me to talk about. But it’s my raw thoughts and darkest moments I’ve ever had in my life. This is me coming to terms with my loss and accepting it and moving forward.
If you are struggling with a loss, please reach out to someone, or even myself. No one should ever feel alone in a time of loss. If you need support there are also a bunch of support services listed below:
FOR NZ SERVICES
- Skylight – 0800 299 100 for support through trauma, loss, and grief; 9 am–5 pm weekdays.
- Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP)
FOR AUS SERVICES
- Beyondblue – aims to increase awareness of depression and anxiety and reduce stigma. Call 1300 22 4636, 24 hours / 7 days a week.
- MindSpot is a free telephone and online service for people with stress, worry, anxiety, low mood or depression. It provides online assessment and treatment for anxiety and depression. Call 1800 61 44 34 AEST, 8am-8pm (Mon-Fri), 8am-6pm (Sat).
You’re supposed to cry I thought to myself. But I couldn’t bring any tears out of my eyes, why? At this point, I thought it’s all my fault! Maybe I wished it too much, or maybe I couldn’t carry another child again. Hearing my sonographer tell me “There’s no cause from you, sometimes these things happen” didn’t help my guilt. Because I did wish to lose baby when I first found out I was pregnant.
I was in a position where I was just getting on my own feet and living a care-free year. I wasn’t in a relationship with the father. In fact, I never saw us ever being together. At the time I was not interested in being in a relationship as the last relationship I was in was so controlling and emotionally draining for me. It took me so long to gain confidence back and that haunted me from getting into another relationship.
When I found out, I went home laid in bed and wondered what I should be feeling… I only felt tears roll down my cheeks and felt a stinging pain in my eyes when I texted the father of our lost child of how I was feeling. It was more emotional for me to talk about my guilt. Maybe if I was less selfish I wouldn’t have miscarried. But I received a text back from him saying “maybe this baby had a purpose to bring us together” and then something hit my chest, it felt like my chest was getting tighter as I was trying to breathe and cry.
I tried having a shower later that day to try and think, I’m a Pisces so I like to be near water as it helps me think and reflect. But at the time I was staying in Mount Wellington and there were no beaches nearby to sit and think, as I used to. So there I was standing in the shower trying to figure out what was going on. As the days went on, my partner and I found ourselves fighting all the time, arguing over the grief of the baby we had lost. Fighting all the time I got sick of it. I was over the fighting we had just started dating officially and lost our baby, most couples go through the honeymoon stage but we weren’t in that stage at all. We were constantly fighting over the dumbest things.
A few weeks went past and my bleeding from my miscarriage had stopped and I felt like things were okay but still rocky in my relationship. I remember we had a big event that weekend. But came home and my partner wanted to break up with me, he was sick of the fighting too, I begged him. YES, my dumb ass grabbed his t-shirt and asked him not to leave and told him that things could get better. He broke me inside by saying what he did that night. He was also very drunk. In the end, I told him that I will always care about him and let him go, as I know that you can’t make a man love you. So I laid down in my bed and cried while he packed his things and you know what, he walks back into the room asking me if he can sleep on my bed! I’m fuming because he just finished breaking up with me and telling me he was leaving and now he wanted to kick me off my bed?! Yup, you read it right, he was too drunk to even realize what he was doing or saying to me.
I told him “Nah, this is my bed if you want to sleep on it I’m sorry but you’ll have to top and tail with me or sleep in the other room, I am not moving” and then he lies down top and tail with me *insert rolling eyes* but I was still hurt that he did what he did. Drunk or not there are no excuses to do something like that, or play mind games. He woke me up the next morning like nothing happened the night before, calling me babe telling me to get up because we had an event to set up together. I shrugged him off and told him to go and find another girlfriend and then he asked me if I could help. This event was an important event to him, so I got up got ready and did not speak to him the whole morning, we just sorted out this event.
Later during the day as we were waiting for our ride, it was just me and him standing there awkwardly. He apologized for his behavior and we talked about everything that has been happening between us. I was reassured but still concerned with our relationship. A month went on and I felt like we were just existing. Nothing great, nothing bad just felt like there was an expiry date on this relationship. Until my partner and I decided to go away with friends for new years and honestly it was the best thing we have done.
Getting away from Auckland and all the drama, having a break and re-kindling our spark and reminding ourselves that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it was just a process for us to grieve the way we did. We fell in love when we left our troubles and spent proper time alone together, it was almost soul cleansing for the both of us in another place road trip around mother nature and laughing with a couple of great friends. We came back with our hearts full and ready to tackle the new year together.
We soon found out a month later that we were expecting another baby and we were so happy! Unexpected, but we both were so happy, everything happens for a reason and our baby we lost was a part of our journey together. As hard as it was I learned so much from losing this baby, I learned that everyone grieves differently. Sometimes it will take time, grief can make you feel or do a lot of things you wouldn’t usually do. Even though I had lost a baby, we gained a rainbow baby our little Miss Wynter-Reign.
04.11.16 – Our biggest blessing and lesson
Never forgotten little one.