In truth.. My childhood wasn’t as great as I wanted it to be, at such a young age I had to learn things quite quickly. I was surrounded by a lot of alcohol, drugs, partying and violence. Around that time I actually got comfortable with that being my life. So let’s start with how it all happened…
I have to say that before you carry on reading this, bare in mind.. This is what I experienced when I was a child and people change as well as their mistakes & this did happen a long time ago and I have accepted and forgiven what had happened and don’t look back at this with pain. I carry so much clarity now that I have accepted this as my past and I know that the man above has given me this journey because I am strong enough to prosper.
So here’s how it started out.. Me and my mom we were so good and I loved and adored my mom so much she was my world. In time things changed, she fell in love with a monster (I’m not joking either) I started to spend less time with her and more time with my family and at the time I never noticed it. I can only remember a few things after this monster had entered our lives and sadly.. If I describe what I remember in emotions it would be fear, pain and hope. The first time I walked in on a fight between my mom and this monster, I remember her holding me so close and tight and wiping my mums tears looking into her red puffy eyes. I will never ever forget that and that was only the beginning…
Yes, it gets worse. I started seeing my mom getting hit with my own eyes and at this age I was honestly just confused with why this was happening. I always thought “I love my mum, why would you want to make her cry?” This started happening so frequently that the women’s refuge became our home at one point but somehow.. This monster always figured out a way to lure my mom back into his arms and I gave up on any hope that this monster would leave my life.
My mum then announced to me and my brother that we were going to move to Rotorua (we were staying in Auckland at the time) things went from bad to worse. So when we started living in Rotorua everything changed for me.. I hated the school I was in, I hated my home because he made my life a living hell, it wasn’t even a home to me. It was just a house with people I knew in it. I slowly watched this monster spread violence around my family like a virus, I started seeing more abuse on mom and then on my little brother and he was only 3/4 years old!
… and then it happened. My first hiding, my mom had always told him “You better not touch my baby girl!” Whenever I’d make him mad. But it happened and I remember thinking so hard after it, I was shaking and I had never felt so much fear in my life. The fear in my body hurt more than the hiding just thinking to myself if he was going to come into my room again or if I was going to die.
I began to hang out at my neighbors place because they had something I never had at home, A TV! Lol jokes. They had so much love inside their home you could even taste the love in the food they gave me. The crazy thing is that I don’t even know or remember how I ended up at their place all the time. But I used to play outside of my house with their kids and they would always get called in when the street lights had turned on. Where as I would just stay outside of my house because it was a gang pad. There was always alcohol on the table and random people I didn’t know and yelling, so much yelling.
At this point you’d think that my life was terrible, but things just kept getting worse.. I started seeing my world change, she was always sad and if not sad she was passed out or drunk. One day I was walking down my driveway after school and I saw a body lying on the side of my driveway.. It was her. I thought she was dead, in horror I ran to my neighbors place and told them what had happened.. It turned out she was just passed out, when she got home I looked at her differently thinking to myself “Am I going to loose my world?” So I prayed so hard one night asking why is this happening to me? And if this is what my life will be like for the rest of my life? And would it just be easier if I left? I felt like I was just forgotten and that nobody cared about me. The very next day, me and my mum went out and we came home to a robbed house and the monster being arrested. That was one of the greatest and worst days of my life! There was so much more that happened within this time because then police got involved so I’ll stop here. But you get the drill, that’s pretty much where the violence stopped and I was finally free from the everyday horror of abuse and now? I’m not scared of monsters or that particular monster. As long as I have the man above on my side I know that I will be okay.
I had to grow up learning to appreciate what I have & for years after this all happened I resented my mother because of the events that me and my brother had to go through as children. But I have come accept this as my past and I am more than grateful that this has happened to me as a child but I would never wish this experience upon anyone. Now that I am a mother it has made me want the best for my child. To live in a loving home with loving people who love them. I love the mistakes I make as a mom because I always learn from them and tbh there is no guide on how to be a mum. Every kid is different and every mother is too. All that really matters to me is that my child is safe and happy and living better than I did as a child.
My mom is still my world, we still speak like nothing bad has ever happened, it wasn’t until I had Melody that I had forgiven her for what had happened. As well as a few of my own mistakes that I made towards her in my teen years. Don’t get me wrong for speaking out about my past and my mother because everyone makes mistakes and I will not let this past experience haunt me but I will use it to remind myself where I came from. But I also thank the man above the most because now that I look back at everything I experienced in my childhood and then look at where I am now. I see that god was holding my hand through every hardship I faced with my family and was always watching over me. Through all my bruises, pain and tears it has made me who I am today and I am just one victim of family violence. This happens a lot everywhere and it does pain me to think that some people grow up thinking it’s natural or that it is their fault.
It also still amazes me how I only ever remember all the bad things that happened to me when I was younger and how I did not remember much good things that happened, but you see that even from a young age you may think that kids don’t pick up on what’s going on. But they do, even if they don’t quite understand they do pick up on things that aren’t right. It used to be awkward when people talk about their childhood and ask me about my memories as a child. I use to make it up because I was so ashamed of what happened but now that I have accepted my past I share how I lived my childhood openly. Because you never know, the person sitting across from you could have experienced the same thing! If not worse. So people who want to say “I’m so sorry…” don’t be! Everyone is fighting their own battles and I have overcome mine that haunted me for years. So live well, love hard and laugh often! Because tomorrow is never promised… I’ve learnt that releasing all my pain from things and people that hurt me in the past to the lord has freed me and lifted my spirit.
This was my past.
But it is not who I am.
I am now…
Thank you for reading
– The Average Blended Madre xx